with all this passionate grudge

that mounts a desire to hold-on

and subtle craving to break free

i was torn in an obtuse dilemma

for a temporary relief i embrace the idea

to punish myself


with all the pain infused

suffered and enjoyed

in every inflicted sting

at my back,

my temple

and my groin

was made to justify,

personify and validate 

my cowardice and longing

my idiocy to return

my thirst for aches-

in a century of wistful asunder  

 and an allegory of illusive pleasure

nothing to write about... hayy...actually, there's a lot i want to say, but i just can't find the right word. maybe, again i'm being paranoid about stuffs... but being unsure, better if i just shut my mouth for a while and instead try to figure this one out.

8 days to go...hahahahaha. :D

and no- it's not just about the camera

grabe yung banking exam, after diniscuss, nagulat kami lahat kasi parang puzzle pala sya, daming tagong issues na kailangan sagutan. maswerte na pag maka 40% ako. sus gudman! inaasahan ko nalang kung mag papapulan saya ng 75% sa finals. sana. o kahit bagsak basta 74%.

this may not sounds like me, but what is good about alcohol, to be exact beer,  is that after 2 bottles, it feels like your one of the greatest dancer even you never dance before.

or maybe it's just me.

i can't imagine if i drink 5-8 bottles more, what will i ever do? breakdancing?

to clear things up, i don't have any heart wrenching problem right now, i just feel like drinking. no one wants to go out with me, so i went to 7/11 and brought 3 cans of beer and decided to drink alone, in my room, while quasi-dancing and semi-whisper singing "Dayligh...ta dada ta-tadadadaa haaa, cause blha balh blah, tadada da dadadadaaaaa haaaa, daylight..."  (thanks gwad my parents went to province). I don't know what's the title of the song, but something about it as what the beats of Sunday Driving does to me that makes me want to drive in some distant road, preferably along maharlika highway in quezon or in camarines sur, with open window and feeling the breeze. sadly, i don't have a car and the prospect of having one, argh! but i'm not asking really to have one, because not only its expensive, plus the gas considering my allowance, it just that i fancy to have my own car only whenever i hear Sunday Driving, and now, including the mentioned unknown song.

If only electricfan can do the trick.

aslo, it's not an issue that no one wants to go out with me, though i may still be a loner, i have friends and still not considered as an outcast. it just that either they are too busy reviewing for nursing licensure exam or in their own respective nightshift job, or living far from my place, outrside NCR, or i just refuse to pay for their own beer. i'm selfish, i know, but what i can do, i don't even have any money to cover my own expenses.

that's why i ended alone.

since in a "normal" drinking session, you have someone whom you can talk to and unload all those shitty stuff, as well as those intellectual blah that will never make any sense, then i’m going to unload it in here. Btw, this is not a heart wrenching dilemma, it just that it’s a blah that doesn’t really make any sense- but it eats me.

So here is my story...

i don’t know why i’m too lazy right know. with all the bulls that i’ve said that i want this, my action left me wondering whether i really mean what i’ve said. this past week, my midterm exam, i can’t help but to wonder why despite all the pep talk i told to myself were all useless. i only studied 4 hours efpor every subject, less the yosi breakes, lunch, snacks, and all sorts of breaks. and its not enough to cover all the topics, i just read the memory aid and studied the sample exam to somehow finish the coverage. luckily, most of the covered questions in the sample exam were also asked. but whether i pass the exam or not, of course i’ll be happy if i make it, but what bother me most is my attitude in my studies. last year i can say that i really study for my exam, though i was still lazy at that time, but my laziness now is beyond comparison. even my frat classmates (not my fratmate and i don’t have any frat), they were all studying in lib, and me, either i was in the football field day dreaming, or still sleeping and not wanting to get up for the day.  

i’m such a stupid person, and i know i’m going to regret this.

And there’s more i want to tell. But maybe next time. I feel sleepy right now, plus, i need to finish the movie that i’m watching. Waterloo bridge.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU SEE THIS FACE? ARGHHH PUTIK KA! SUS GUDMAN

ARGGHHH!!!! i should be studying right now. but no, i'm wee-ing my free time in this wee-ing stuff.

can't help bitching about my laziness. and i know that i'm just making too much out of it when i can just calmly take my notes and start studying. but, as of now, i just can't take myself into that knid of mode. and to cut all explainations, actually, its just that i'm  very distartcted.

especially when i saw the gift,  she's holding this pure awe in her webcam window. 4gig, 2 lenses, a body to die for. what can i ask for... more? i think its enough, more than enough.

my eyebags and restlessness is not because of the midtrem, its because of this freakin 21 days i can no longer wait. if only i can asked to LBC it, which is highly unlikely. in the first place, i cannot rush a gift, and in the second place, though i'm excited because after 2 years i'm going to see my sister, but i'm more excited over what she's goiung to give me... (argh! i'm such a stupid brother),but  i don't want to show  that kind of face or anything that would give her that idea.

but yes, i do miss her.

but argghhHH!!!!

now, i'm thinking of going to samar, holding this baby and just shooting crazy like there's no tomorrow. and yes i'm exaggerating, but most likely will happen. i'm too crazy about this, and my imagination is running wild- to the extent that i can only hear shutters and nothing else, see flashes and nothing else, and taste the metalic/plastic casing and nothing else.yes, i'm too crazy.

23 days to go and i'm going to have my baby. i'm so excited.

i still haven't think of a name. which is better: cute/astig? techie/conventional?

been thinking for  Backspace Jr. hehehe, but i think it's quite cheesy. using the brand as his/her (i'm still not decided as to its sex) is very bland for me. Francis for a female name, too human, VBI85, too star wars, VIKI, too suikoden. Rant, again, too human.

i'm losing my creativity here.

hayyy... i should be studying right now for my midterm next week. but, again, since i'm a procastinator, not just an ordinary but one of the GM procastinator, my interest drastically shift from my books to something entirely opposite. and yes, now, i'm dreaming about my baby. 23 days feels like 1000 days, i can no longer wait.

sometimes in may 20, 2008- after i learned that i was not kicked-out, i've made this rule to culminate what i treated as a second chance for me start again in a better disposition- more appropriate in-my-course and what is really expected from people in-my-course

and here's my assessment

HERE ARE MY SO CALLED  "9 COMMANDMENTS IN MY  WHATEVER-IT-IS"

 1. no more dvd marathon night during WEEKDAYS!

-actually my pointing finger is already deformed because aside from the digestesssess, i'm re-writing/summarizing my book in crim, sales and ltd and a codal for election and pubcorp.

 5.  the football field will always be my study area, but now i'm going to refrain watching football games, or any activities being held in that feild.

-still, i'm staying in footballfield, luckily there is no game yet being held so i can really study well in that place.

exe for thos cheerleader in this thigh short pants jogging around and around and around. ARGH! i know, concentration is one of my weak attribute as a student in this course. and around and around and around hahahaha

 9.  and the LAST RULE. i'm going to pray hard that i will not forget about the above stated rules...

-i think my prayer was heard and in effect god sent me grace so i can stick with it (WHATDA)- well, most of it, generally. however, i think i should have added  three additional rules because even though i was able to follow most of it, my time is really consumed by the following:

1. reading books not my textbooks but fiction/novel. for the month of june and july, i've read the book of Palanhiuk's RANT, and Trenton's young adult book THE MYSTERIOUS BENEICT SOCIETY

2. been more addicted to photography and even salavating for my impending (sfx: TA DA!) DSLR. and the funny thing is, even i'm in the middle of studying, it never fails no matter how busy i am, that i'm just drawn in this daydream having this camera, shooting pictures somewhare in binondo or in samar, or in any place where something unusual/good subjects can be found. weird, and sounds really stupid- which i like. hahaha

3.reading a wider collection of manga that left me wide awake in wee hours than sleeping or studying. aside from naruto, bleach, one piece, kekkaishi, and fairy tail, now i am also to hooked to gantz, holyland,  silver crow and the liar game.

been thinking whether i should stop... but argh! i don't want to deprive myself even by these simple joy. cause if i surrender this... probably by the end of the schol year...

i'm in the dean's lister. JOKE.

actually, somhow, i'm just trying not to put myself in to this completely (well i know it's a twisted idea, but it really make sense). what i'm pointing at is, as one of the commercial in jack tv say's: THE KEY TO HAPPINESS, LOWER YOUR EXPECTATION. and i hate when i heard this statement because it's really true- far better than the combined zen and nirvana hehehe.